I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
