I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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