this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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