i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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