My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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