I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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