You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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