used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
