I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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