i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
