It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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