don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
