You just made me feel so damn special
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Vodka?
Forever.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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