saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This toilet bowl is my home.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
