Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
