Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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