haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
