Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
