Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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