I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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