We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize