Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
