Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We left the knife in your bed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
