I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
