How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
