I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
