dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
