WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
