Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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