Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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