Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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