I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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