Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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