she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
