I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
