I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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