Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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