its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
