I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
