his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
