What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
