I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
