What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
