and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
