Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
