thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
