Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
