I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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