The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
