I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
