I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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