How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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