I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
